Self-evaluation

I thought it would be ok to share my feeling now
to make myself feeling better a little bit
and if it is something similar to what you are feeling now
chill up cuz you are not alone

Positive thinking (I think I have it) has been helping me a lot
to deal with things around, whether it is pleasant or not
But there is sometimes like now, that it does not work anymore
The depression level has matured to a point to take it over
And I think this is the first time happening to me
as things went on previously have been great
and never I had this kind of things bothering me so much in my life

From other perspective, it's good
to remind you that great times do not last forever
sometimes things are bad, just to make life more real to you
so that you don't always stay in your wonderland
taking things for granted
There are just things that you can only achieve
by putting hundred times more effort than usual one
like this goddamn degree that I am pursuing now
Whether it's worthy or not, it shall be seen

I do know that the study alone
would never be enough
to create this much of damage to me
it's more like the accumulative stuff
plans after plans for me that did not work out
I am like a big liar to myself.
Things are meant to be achieved not dreamed
I wonder how people can take things so easily
including his/her career that will change their entire life
There are just some places or points that
you can not make a single minor mistake I think
But God bless them, they just can do it
Anyways, I am who I am
I am not gonna adapt myself
to live their lives they want to be

Another thing that really pushing me to edges
is my marriage, I will be a legal husband soon
and yes it is a wonderful thing
when you know your wife is perfect for you
and she deserves a better wedding ceremony
At this point of time, I am really struggling
to find a balance to hold a magnificent wedding
while exceling in my study
Financial is the main culprit,
lacking of psychological support is second
Blame myself for that
choosing to get married at this age
is just not that feasible
for a student, born in middle-class family

The even worst thing is
I may be good I think as a good listener
for friends who are in trouble or dilemma
at least I can cheer them up to a certain extent
if we happen to share with each other
But it's almost impossible for them to
cheer me up if I am the one in dilemma like now
My future wife asks me
'what can I do to make you happy
when you are depressed and sad?'
The great thing is, I dont know either
so I think there is no ways
but to let it healed by nature
Sometimes food, sport and singing may help a little
but certainly not chit-chating,
well, blogging might a little bit helpful
cuz it's a one-way sharing
I am sort of enjoying it

So my advice is never try to get married
upon finishing your PhD,
it will definitely cut your head open!
Either you finish your study first,
or get yourself settled with family first.

Cheers!