A Vanished Paternity

Sometimes there is an occasional moment
when I puzzle and murmur to myself
asking questions like that
'Do I look like lacking of something'
'Did I lose something'
'What do I lack of?'
as if pieces of me was tore off
without my consciousness by unknowns
The answer is always known
But it's hidden somewhere deep in my heart
as it hurts everytime it's being revealed

It was about a tragedy happened last year
A loss, which is invaluable, priceless and precious
Meanwhile it was also an incident making me
know myself better like never before
that I am a realistic and also numb person
The images, the scenes, the ambience
will never, ever gonna be outta my mind
no matter what

It was the break time that changed everything
which I could absolutely do nothing for
making me a 'deficient' person since
If you ever ask or being asked
this question you better be prepared
both mentally and physically
'Have you ever got 51 miss calls throughout your life?' hehe
Never take this lightly as a moron
or intend to make a stupid joke for that
It's not funny at all
Because it may or may not be something
which is gonna change your entire life
replacing whatever you got before with emptiness
again, being a 'short-of' person
Thing is still as clear as crystal water in my memory
I had a cold shot when I got the news
someone was crying at the other of recipient
something, which is not funny at all
'Have you ever got 51 miss calls throughout your life?' hehe

I learnt a valuable lesson that day
But the amends that took
was definitely too enormous
than one can imagine
Like I said earlier on
it was also an incident
making myself more transparent to be clear of
that I could take tragedy as a rainbow
that disappears within minutes

I grabbed the seat after being told about
as anyone would do, I reacted emotionally
But I was able to hold my tears, but not on purpose
Even though I was clear that sheding a tear
that time is nothing embarassing, unusual,
abnormal or unacceptable at all,
Yet strange enough, I just didn't, by nature
Though I know that something was really trapped in there
making my eye being thousands time heavier to blink
guess it was the time when my emotion level peaked
like never before
As it was the break time, one of the staff was there
she was the one and only witness,
she got everything I did right at the place
Right after a short while
I was able to cool myself down to do something practical
which was to head right away back......

Distancing it, it has been 10 months now
The truth is unimaginably cruel and dreadful
to face but it has to be, after all
There's nothing we can do about it
It's God will, I always respect it
I strongly believe from long ago
that it gotta be something better ahead awaits him,
it has to be, and there is no 'what if'
So I do see it as a 'let go'
Moreover, seem that under the circumstances,
that was the right time to leave
Just, It should have been more ordered
or organised in its way
After all 'Leaving' is never be
a welcoming or pleasant thing to see as
It's hard for the elders to confront and face
Hopefully they have gone through it by now

He had gone for his fortune and
we should go on either, pursuing what's desired
Life is short, we gotta treasure everything we still own
To share his, i think i can do it
As we had been getting together for quite some time
I guess i know what he really wanted to do
and wanted his sons and daughter to be
To have us to love our mum forever ever
To have a happy family and life, each of us
To have a strongly establised love among the family
To have hearts to care for the relatives
Eventually, to survive under the competing world
which is to have a stable work, constant income
These were what he wanted us to be
But how about his own dream
Even though he had left
I am pretty sure he is up there looking at us
we are under a strict and tightly linked surveillance
So as a son, I can't promise anything to fullfill his dream
but I individually, perhaps with helps from them,
or even my soul partner, will try our best to at least
make one or two below happen[s]
That's what I can promise based on my current ability
and forseeable strength in the future

To encourage myself continuously practising my talents
To open up a calligraphy class at my hometown or elsewhere
To set up a new home with entirely a new life
To organise a trip to China
To offer morally or monetarily support among us
To see us establishing our own business
To open up second branched hardware shop (home-business)
To have either one of us (Just Me) to secure Ph.D
To own a car with comfortable seats
To encourage me mastering my language (esp English)

Torbellion

Am I feeling stress recently due to the coming exam and other ongoin events? NO, well, it's not the true answer, YES, it's not either, because there is no answers at all for that following the dumb question. All I would say is that I have everything under 'controls', by having a habit to watch at least two movies daily, chinese plus english. I guess that's the only entertainment I've got so far to get myself balance. Before the date of 26 April, I will distribute my daily work as this, first half of day - doing my project report, and the rest of time for revision. Bear in minds that guys, it's all entertainment time between them, so in conclusion, there will be just maximally, 3 hours of report time plus 2 hours of revision, daily, I guess that's already more than enough for what that should be covered, even a congenital genius will not say so, as we all know that, that's a liar, knowledge is uncontainable and unengulfable. Every single second there is new knowledge of respective areas being posted on, not extravagant to say so, even God can't take it all. So currently, as the insights, what I got is to do my "best", again it's a liar to assume 3 plus 2 package as the best? No way! So to be correct, it's 'to do what I am destinied to do', that is, everything takes off from my bosses - my heart and mind. I will only do what they tell me to, I will never ever betray them.

I got something on my mind just today, from Eason's new album - TIME FLIES, couples of songs reflecting the kinda positive thinking of life, I suppose. To have it short, it is roughly trying to bring several mesages that time flies, life is short, humanities, and of cause, loves, in which nothing will be better than it to be a promoting theme for an album. It's like this, hopefully this would acquire consensus, if it's not, that's all I can get based on my understanding, so no offense, nothing to be blamed of.

Life is short, from the day we were born to the moment we are buried to the ground, we are chasing after the time, why ' chasing', because it's not gonna stop no matter how we scream on them and it's passing too fast that we will never get them, but it's always like never go so far from us, feeling like just few steps ahead us as if we can get it because we see it moving slowly, to some extent, every day which make us capable of managing it.That is the fact, we cant get to time, but we're better than anything else to manage it and adjust our events in our to-do list. In fact, the songs never taught me new things, just acted as reminders to continuously awake me, stimulating my awareness for something which has been forgetten with time.

So, in this competing world, who's the winner and what's determining it? A intelligent leader? A remarkable engineer? A top scientist? Or a rich man? To be correct, it strongly depends on your own will, and most importantly, God's will, as the universe's creator, He is the one who let us aware of our existence, and HE is the only who has the right to abolish the hope, wealth, fate, everythin HE has on us. And, this is where, Humanity comes into picture. We should never forget who we are, and What we are, a human, homosapiens, we shouldn't have lost the characteristics of human , not even a single one. One clear example is that for years, we have got this, satisfaction of wealth that blinds us up. Forgeting about the one's health, one can do anything no matter what, just to become a millionaire, whatever it takes, even being involved in crimes. Obviously, people nowadays are losing their mind, they have forgotten how to spell humanity, dat's a shame of us. That fits the theme of a movie, I hv forgotten its name, but the actor was the main character of MATRIX and CONSTANTINE, I can't remember his name either and just feeling lethargic to google it for nw. The movie was about the losing humanity(Loss of a ability to become human), there was a punisher, I cant't remember it's the GOD or the Alien either. According to them, one of them was sent to earth to destroy the whole planet, where there is human, but not other species, fishes and other animals, they were kept in a fancy magic ball to be transported to a new planet. And that guy was saying that, whatever we do here, they are watching us, for the past bygone years, they had sent different levels of warning to alert us by the natural disaster - outbreak, tsunami, flood, earthquake and so on, in order to awake us from the blindness, but they were just given in vains. Finally, the whole planet was destroyed but human being which left behind as a pair of chidren, with different sex of cause, was transported to a new planet to start a entirely new population, together with other species. I think this message was similarly, sent by one of the movies acted by nicolas cage as well, again I don't remember the name of it. It doesn't really matter, does it? It's the message that the director wants to bring to us that matters.

For me, what do I think about life and what I gonna do with it? I will make it as simple as possible, live heathily and enjoy it with the Mrs Right I love and looks like I already got one, I will never want to change it, this is not a naive thinkin, this has been seriously put into a consideration - level 3, classified. Getting rich as in wealth is not the ideal subject anymore, the real quality of life is that, you really enjoy it with your eyes opened, understanding the way how life operates as a cycle, this is the real meaning of it. And to achieve this, 'culture' and 'science' are the best aiders and they play their pivotal roles in this, to be a successful enjoyer!

Nescafe is never ever a good stuff.....

[7 April 2010; 8.09pm]Thought it was not too late to have a cup of nescafe as it would affect my sleeps, causing insomnia, just like last time, so i had it comfortably, without doubts.

[7 April 2010; 9.17pm]I was trying to finish up the section of my project's report by tonight as scheduled. I was combating with SPSS to sort things out, it wasn't too bad I guess.It is 3 more hours to go before reaching 12a.m

[7 April 2010; 11.23pm]Job was done. Needed to find way to gas out, so it was movie's time. 'GREEN ZONE' acted by Matt Damon - a war movie

[8 April 2010; 1.01am] Movies off, not really get impressed as his movies before. Feeling tired, guess it's time to squirm into my sleeping bag. Things started flashing through.

[8 April 2010; 2.01am]Eye lids up, Couldn't get into sleep. Never thought nescafe could be so strong, it is just unusual. Since i couldn't take a rest, why not have a go with my revision...

[8 April 2010;present time] Blogging, regretted the cup of nescafe, a valuable lesson ever. Will continue with my revision later on - food fermentation (an easy chapter seemed from the surface)

[8 April 2010;xxxxxxxx time] Pigging......