A Vanished Paternity

Sometimes there is an occasional moment
when I puzzle and murmur to myself
asking questions like that
'Do I look like lacking of something'
'Did I lose something'
'What do I lack of?'
as if pieces of me was tore off
without my consciousness by unknowns
The answer is always known
But it's hidden somewhere deep in my heart
as it hurts everytime it's being revealed

It was about a tragedy happened last year
A loss, which is invaluable, priceless and precious
Meanwhile it was also an incident making me
know myself better like never before
that I am a realistic and also numb person
The images, the scenes, the ambience
will never, ever gonna be outta my mind
no matter what

It was the break time that changed everything
which I could absolutely do nothing for
making me a 'deficient' person since
If you ever ask or being asked
this question you better be prepared
both mentally and physically
'Have you ever got 51 miss calls throughout your life?' hehe
Never take this lightly as a moron
or intend to make a stupid joke for that
It's not funny at all
Because it may or may not be something
which is gonna change your entire life
replacing whatever you got before with emptiness
again, being a 'short-of' person
Thing is still as clear as crystal water in my memory
I had a cold shot when I got the news
someone was crying at the other of recipient
something, which is not funny at all
'Have you ever got 51 miss calls throughout your life?' hehe

I learnt a valuable lesson that day
But the amends that took
was definitely too enormous
than one can imagine
Like I said earlier on
it was also an incident
making myself more transparent to be clear of
that I could take tragedy as a rainbow
that disappears within minutes

I grabbed the seat after being told about
as anyone would do, I reacted emotionally
But I was able to hold my tears, but not on purpose
Even though I was clear that sheding a tear
that time is nothing embarassing, unusual,
abnormal or unacceptable at all,
Yet strange enough, I just didn't, by nature
Though I know that something was really trapped in there
making my eye being thousands time heavier to blink
guess it was the time when my emotion level peaked
like never before
As it was the break time, one of the staff was there
she was the one and only witness,
she got everything I did right at the place
Right after a short while
I was able to cool myself down to do something practical
which was to head right away back......

Distancing it, it has been 10 months now
The truth is unimaginably cruel and dreadful
to face but it has to be, after all
There's nothing we can do about it
It's God will, I always respect it
I strongly believe from long ago
that it gotta be something better ahead awaits him,
it has to be, and there is no 'what if'
So I do see it as a 'let go'
Moreover, seem that under the circumstances,
that was the right time to leave
Just, It should have been more ordered
or organised in its way
After all 'Leaving' is never be
a welcoming or pleasant thing to see as
It's hard for the elders to confront and face
Hopefully they have gone through it by now

He had gone for his fortune and
we should go on either, pursuing what's desired
Life is short, we gotta treasure everything we still own
To share his, i think i can do it
As we had been getting together for quite some time
I guess i know what he really wanted to do
and wanted his sons and daughter to be
To have us to love our mum forever ever
To have a happy family and life, each of us
To have a strongly establised love among the family
To have hearts to care for the relatives
Eventually, to survive under the competing world
which is to have a stable work, constant income
These were what he wanted us to be
But how about his own dream
Even though he had left
I am pretty sure he is up there looking at us
we are under a strict and tightly linked surveillance
So as a son, I can't promise anything to fullfill his dream
but I individually, perhaps with helps from them,
or even my soul partner, will try our best to at least
make one or two below happen[s]
That's what I can promise based on my current ability
and forseeable strength in the future

To encourage myself continuously practising my talents
To open up a calligraphy class at my hometown or elsewhere
To set up a new home with entirely a new life
To organise a trip to China
To offer morally or monetarily support among us
To see us establishing our own business
To open up second branched hardware shop (home-business)
To have either one of us (Just Me) to secure Ph.D
To own a car with comfortable seats
To encourage me mastering my language (esp English)